Did my bubble burst? 💥

Tired.

Not thrive. But survive.

Have I given up? Is the old "little engine that could" in me dead and ceased up? Seems odd and unlikely because the constant drive I used to have went missing overnight. One day, I’m stressed because I’m trying to take over the world, but not achieving much success at it. Next day, meh. Still a little stressed, but not as much.

The thoughts I’ve bounced around:
* Maybe it’s depression?
* Maybe it’s aging?
* Maybe I’m exhausted?
* Maybe I’m overdue for a good vacation?
* Maybe I’ve lost that old drive?

Depression?
Na, I doubt it. Rather than going all the way negative with my thoughts, I’m just meh about it. Things I’d never feed into (ex, YouTubing or blind browsing) are now ok. Plus, I don’t feel down about life.
Now, it’s just give from "thriving" to "just surviving".
A lot of daily routines, goals and personal expectations have been dropped. Partially because they created part of the stress – partially because I don’t care as much as I used to.

Aging?
Maybe. But only time will tell on this one.

Exhaustion?
Hell yes! I know for a fact, this is part of it. Exhausted from work, parenting and finances. Work demands so many hours and attention. Not to mention, in the Bay Area, techie culture silently dictates that 40 hours is a suggested minimum. I hope I’m reading the environment wrong, but I’ve heard similar complaints from others. The learning experiences have been great and opportunities multitudinous.
But on the other side of that coin is extra grit, grime and oil. I can’t recommend nor dissuade anyone to or away from the Bay because I flip back and forth myself. But as for me and my family, we are ready to go.
I’m dying for a better life balance and control over my schedule. All of this before even touching parenting and finances.
So, yeah… I’s exhausted!

Vacation?
Yes! Hell to the fuck yes! But I need a real vacation.
Not a trip with my daughter; not rushing from destination to destination; not unable to enjoy the trip because internal debates about money are distracting my headspace.
I just want simple, affordable and relaxing. No kids = true relaxing.

Lost the old drive?
I don’t think so… Definitely a possibility I’ve tapered out a bit to be more focused and aware around my family and the smaller things in life. Rather than chasing the dreams of fame and glory, I just want to survive right now.

Speaking of survival, I’m falling asleep at the keyboard. So, I’m tapping out here. .

Hasta luego!

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